Category: Safe Haven
After 4 years of marriage, my wife and I decided that it's now time for a baby.
When my wife visited the genecologist, both of us were sent for more tests.
According to the test results, our chances of having a baby, is 1%.
I'm coping with it reasonably well, but for my wife it's a big deal.
And it so happened that a schoolfriend of mine (also blind) and his wife, had their first baby yesterday.
And what's worse, is that they asked my wife and I to transport them to and from the hospital.
Everytime my friend wants to visit his wife, it's us who take him to hospital and back home again.
We have to see the delight and the emotions on their faces, with regard to the new baby, every day.
Of course we don't mind helping them, but it's so damn hard to face this every day.
And all this brings me to another question:
Why is it that so many people have babies, only to throw them away, or give them up for adoption, while there are some people out there who cannot have their own baby, but really would give a baby the best they can?
Maybe I'm overreacting, and it has been a hard few days, but I'm just wondering about all of this.
Ahafan, sorry to hear about your troubles. That must be really painful for both your wife and yourself. It's sort of ironic how everyone, when they are young, devotes so much effort and worry to *not* getting pregnant, and then when they are actually ready and willing to get pregnant, far too many people find out that it's not that easy, in the end. I hope you and your wife will find some way to be happy either way.
sorry to hear about your troubles. life can be awfull sometimes
Ahafan that's hellish. With regard to your friends, I would state your case and leave them to deal with it,it sounds as though they have no thought for your feelings. Your right sadly babies have become a comodity and I have come across far too many teenage girls, desperate for a child, so they can have some love in their lives. On the adoption issue would you rather these children were condemned to a life of abuse and/or poverty, staying with their natural mother. There are many sides to this tragic dilemma and its far too easy to lash out against these women when your hurting.
Ahafan When your ready you could consider adopting one of those children..
There are never any easy answers, life can be so unfair on so many levels. so often we plan how it is going to be, and things turn out so much differently.
It is so true what Susanne said in her previous post, when we’re young we spend so much time trying not to get pregnant, little knowing that for some of us, it was never that easy anyway.
While I appreciate how hard it is to be with friends who are overjoyed at the birth of their baby, I don’t think telling them to get on with it on their own, as goblin suggested, is the answer. After all, these are your friends, they are people you socialise with on a regular basis, you can’t just cut all ties with them because they’ve now had a baby and you aren’t able to have one at the moment.
You’re absolutely right that there are a lot of people out there who shouldn’t have children, either because they don’t want them or are not fit to be parents, and it’s easy to lash out at the harsh unfairness of life, but you have to look at the positive things you have in your own life.
You have a nice house, a beautiful wife, a business which you have built up by means of the talents you have. Musically you are more talented that I or most on here could ever dream of being, and you put that to good use, as a person you have always been an inspiration to me, and you were always there for me when we were younger. Even when we were not in touch I used to tell friends about my friend quinten who was a great musician and how I’d wished I could play like him J.
And before anyone tells me not to be patronising, I am by no means suggesting that you should be grateful for the things that you do have and forget about the things you don’t, but by focussing on the positive aspects of your life, it can make the negative things more bearable. And remember, 1% chance means that there still is a chance, focus on that, and if it is meant to happen, then it will happen.
And never forget that you don’t have to go through any of this on your own, you do have friends who are there for you, always, :).
Thanks for the encouraging words from all of you.
Unfortunately Goblin, adoption isn't an option for us at the moment.
It's hard enough to try and cope with the reality, but once we find peace with regard to our situation, we might look beyond now and face tomorrow.
Adoption won't be so bad either. :) There are millions of children wasting away around the world with little to no prospects of ever amounting to anything and if you can take one of them in and bring that child up with love the best way you can you'll feel like you left a legacy and imprinted your values and morals and ideas on a new person and that your idiology and love and work wil be carried into the next generation even if the child is not genetically yours. Try to be positive and happy for those people, they did not have a child to make you feel bad, they can't help being happy. I know it's hard right now and you may mention to them how you feel, they probably don't have a clue and if they're true friends of yours they'll be much more considerate but, most of all, try to enjoy their child, watch and learn, get ideas for how your child is going to be. Like Claire said, you seem to have so many amazing things going for you in your life, concentrate on them to get energy and courage and conviction on how to obtain the things you still do want and need and or help you get over wasting away for the things that you do have missing in your life.
Life's beautiful no matter howhard it seems at times.
I am sorry you have to cope with such pain. I agree with Wildebrew. that adoption can be just as good and to focus on the good things in life to pull you through. I will say that Love works miracles. There is a 1 percent chance at least it is not a 0. If one day you decide you would like to adopt, go with an open heart, a positive attitude, and a happy soul. If you think about having a child for love and happiness don't let it get you down because it is someone elses child. If that child needs help, and you think you ca help him/her, maybe even find a little bit of love in your heart for him/her, it will all be worth while.
Ahafan I wont insult you with the usual platitudes, but I will say good luck mate.
Thanks to all for your insight and perspective.
This ain't easy, and no one said it would be, but at least there is hope.
i can't really add anything to this tread quinten other than to say that my thoughts are with you. i'm sorry to hear that you and your wife are having such a hard time right now.
things will get better. just hang on in there.
That's what I always say to my hangers in the morning when I go to work .. and most times they do hang on in there.
<grin>
Well all, it's been almost 6 months since I posted this topic.
I can tell you that Carin isn't pregnant yet, despite several efforts from us, despite more medical tests and all that crappy jazz.
I think we are getting peace in our hearts about the possible adopting of a baby.
Unfortunately though, in this country, we might have to wait anything from 1 week to 10 years.
But as some of you said earlier, if we can bring up a child, give him/her all the love and caring and a good home someone else failed to give him, it would surely help.
The reality of living with all of this isn't easy, but, time heals a lot of "wounds", and we are carrying on.
Oh I know how you feel. I can't say I'm over the fact that I wont have a child of my own. All my sisters and brother are able to have kids except for me. Well my baby sister is yet to have one but she can if she gets to a doctor in time so her body doesn't reject it. I know how your wife feels though. Then it seems that what you want the most is all around you every where you go there is a person pregnant. We adopted and she makes me very happy but I stil miss the want to feel a baby grow. Your right so many people that should never even have sex organs yet have kids left and right just to destroy them. I work with just that type all the time and it makes me sick. I look at these lil guys and just think why couldn't you of been born to me I would of loved you and never hurt you that way. But I know my reason for being is to watch over them. I have not adopted again since my daughter and I think partly cause of the fact I still have hope though with every year it fades. So soon I will choose a lil boy and put to rest the idea of having my own. I don't know you but hugs to you and your wife.
Ahafan, I don't personally know you, yet I know a part of you through this post. My heart goes out to you and your wife, and I could give you a lot of platitudes that you've undoubtedly already heard, but I won't do that.
I think the title of this thread says it all for all of us here: "Is life fair?" I think the overwhelming response would be "hell no!", but, Ahafan, as you said something to the effect that time heals a lot of wounds, I think sometimes that's all there is.
I often think that when God made the universe, he looked around and realized that he hadn't made it fair, so he invented time, to help us mere mortals deal with it all.
I don't know if this helps, but, reading this post, reminds me that there has to be more of an answer than, "life isn't fair". Maybe your screen name is the answer, we all need to be more of a fan of the "aha", the good surprise factor in life that makes us say, "aha".
Thanks,
Bob
Well all, 2 years later, I thought I'd report back, as through this board topic, I realised just how much I have to be thankful for, when I got some more perspective from all of you.
The absolutely awesome and wonderful, almost impossible news, is that Carin, my wife, is finally pregnant.
And, the whole process happened naturally.
Little Richard is due anytime between 27 and 29 May 2008, and we simply cannot wait.
Carin already felt him move inside her, and I suppose that I'll have the honour of feeling him inside her, within the next few days.
Thanks once again for your support, and if you're at all interested, I'll report back to this topic from time to time.
Quintin, that's bloody fantastic news mate, many, many congratulations. I know, I've probably said this before, but I dont' care, lol it aint as if you'll be sick of hearing stuff liek that is it? grin. seriously mate, congratulations to both you and your wife. I wish you many many happy years with the little fella.
Quinten,
I have never read this board topic before. Now that I have, i just want to congratulate you and Carin again. I had no idea how rough it was for y'all to get pregnant and all.
Without going into my own personal info that I'm not really willing to share with the entire zone, I know how you and Carin felt back then when you thought you had little to no chance of having your own child. I personally know the struggle of seeing people around you pop out kids like it's the easiest thing to do. And some of them don't deserve to be parents. While those that want kids and have always wanted kids of their own, have lost that ability. It's hell at times.
But ok enough rambling. i do have a point here. I just want to say congratulations again. And I am so very very happy for the 2 of you that your prayers and wishes came true. I'm praying that little Richard comes out a healthy little guy to bless the lives of 2 great people who will make awesome parents.
Congrats again Quinten and Carin.
Pipi
Yes, lots of hugs and congratulations to the both of you. He is your miracle baby, and I'm extremely happy for you. please, keep us posted.
Q,
My heartfelt congratulations go out to you and Carin. I don't know her, but knowing what I know of you, I believe you will make fantastic parents.
Good luck
Well, Q, it is indeed a horrible thing you and your wife have to deal with.
Life, sucks at times but I'm sure you'll both find away around this mess.
The closest friend of a lady member of our extended family was unable to carry a baby to birth. But the friend and her husband wanted one badly.
So our very intelligent but very unwise family member, not having a fellow of her own, sent out a note to a selected set of guys in her co-housing. Asking, you guessed it, for a few minutes of someone's time.
Their wives were not amused. A deputation was sent. All very well meaning. But not so smart! The couple in question finally adopted and have a lovely son.
John Bannick
they could have tried parent by surrogacy.
Actually, we have other friends who did just that.
After many attempts, the doctors said the wife could not carry to birth. In this case, a very close family friend of theirs had a grand daughter who was in a stable living situation that allowed such things. The couple now have twins, and very little rest!
Congrats to the twins then.
Quinten,
I'm coming across this topic, and noticing that you have not posted to this board since before the beginning of the year.
I was just wondering how Karen's pregnancy was going and if you guys have all the "must havs" for little Richard's arrival in place?
Congratulations, by the way, and I do sincerely hope that all is going and continues to go well.
Right, I started this topic more than 3 years ago, and, I think it's only fair that I should bring those of you who don't know yet, up to date:
We had the most wonderful experience on 12 May, when little Richard was born.
He's developed into a normal, healthy, very lovable little baby.
There's just this unbelievable bond between me and him, despite the fact that it is his mother who comforts him at night, feeds him, dresses him etc. etc. etc.
In the morning he gets into bed and lies between Carin and myself, usually in such a way that one of us have to get up (because there's not enough place for all 3 of us).
But, as hard as it was 3 years ago, as much joy we seem to have now.
Yes, he managed to fill our lives, and fill them to the absolute brim ... but, I can tell you, he is such a joy, and it is such an honour to be the father of such a child.
Now to conclude:
I'd like to thank all of you who thought of us, prayed for us, encouraged and supported us.
Know that we appreciate each and every letter and word you sent us.
Wow. I'm really, really glad it worked out so well. I want to have children more than I want just about anything else, so I can understand how both of you must feel now, having finally accomplished it. Continued best wishes.
Namaste,
Becky
Wow great for you both.
that's great! congrats! :)
Quinten, I have prayed for that for a long time too, and am still overjoyed that the amazing angelic blessing finally came forth! I've said this to you already, but I'll say it again! I am happy for you both, and when things get tough, just remember how the impossible, became possible! Huge hugs.